Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Watch Out! Top 10 Signs Your Religious Freedoms Are Under Attack

As a companion piece to yesterday's post from, "The Ultimate Guide To Debunking Right-Wingers' Insane Persecution Fantasies," today's hilarious post by "Kortnee" at, "Watch Out! Top 10 Signs Your Religious Freedoms Are Under Attack," completes the picture of Conservative ecumenicals hiding behind their religion.


Gay marriage is wrecking the country! Christians are under attack! How worried should you be? Here are 10 signs that your religious freedom is at risk.
"There is a lot of worry and concern about religious freedom in the news these days. Sure, it’s rampant! People around the globe are being oppressed and slaughtered. It ain’t pretty out there, folks. But somebody, somewhere, right here in our own country can be found this very moment whining about how their own religious freedom has been violated right here in our own backyard.

"Take heed! Tell everyone to keep watch! These same terrible things could happen to you. Don’t allow your religious freedom to be endangered.

"Not sure if your religious freedom is being threatened? Here are 10 signs that your religion is under attack.

"#10. Your country or region is engaged in a decade-long war on terror. You must hide the cross on your necklace because Fox news portrays your religious group as terrorists and people look at you with disdain everywhere you go.

"#9. You are unable to marry your soul-mate because no public officials are willing to legally join a couple that actually believes God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman.

"#8. Excited by the news of your fifth pregnancy, you are headed to the doctor for your first prenatal appointment but you cannot get past all the zero-population growth picketers and protestors. As they block the sidewalk, they yell and jeer, calling you 'whore' and 'human rabbit.'   The God-given life within your womb leaps with terror at the anger. When you return to your car, you find it covered with smashed eggs.

"#7. Your state allows monuments to be displayed on the capitol lawn but the planning committee has refused to allow your creative sculpture of the Ten Commandments even though they already have a Hindu monkey statue to Lord Hanuman prominently displayed.

"#6. Your vacation request has been denied for Christmas day. You requested this holy day off from work so that you can celebrate the birth of your savior in prayer with your family. However, your boss denies your vacation request and asks why you cannot simply observe and practice your faith in early December on Hanukkah and Kwanzaa like everyone else does.

"#5. Your rapidly growing church group must hold crowded services in a two-car garage because, in your city, churches cannot be built within five miles of any of the Mosques or other historic sites deemed as sacred ground.

"#4. The science teacher at your daughter’s school insists that evolution is scientific fact. Despite your efforts to openly discuss Creationism he laughs heartily and rambles on about fossils and carbon dating.

"#3. You are outraged because a particular political party repeatedly bashes Christianity, slamming the “Bible” and “Jesus”, in an effort to distract public attention from their own failures and impending downfall. They have even accused the president of being a Christian!

"#2. Your car gets towed by haters while you are in church on Sunday. 'Christians Don’t Park Here' signs have been posted on the street all around your church.

"#1. You are forced to use birth control in order to remain covered under your insurance plan. You wonder why. Clearly someone somewhere doesn’t think you are smart enough to responsibly manage the equipment you were born with.

"… And just one more thing.

"You are spitting mad because your religion is not listed first on the Wikipedia page of world religions. There are an estimated 4200 world religions. You might be a victim of a huge threat to your religious freedom if your religion of choice is not listed FIRST. Let’s face it folks, the religion YOU practice is the most important one, right? Don’t stand for being third or fourth on anybody’s list. And most certainly don’t get caught praying to or worshipping a God who would stand for that kind of crap either! If this describes you, your religious freedom might indeed be threatened.

"Don’t miss it! The ultimate sign of religious freedom violation is revealed below…

"Religious freedom is a fundamental human right. It is one of the issues that has caused more wars, more world conflicts and more un-neighborly arguments at the end of people’s driveways than almost any other topic throughout all of history anywhere on our planet. And I’m guessing it’s the same on other similar unenlightened planets throughout the cosmos too. Let’s face it: People are passionate about their spirituality and religious freedom. And we humanoids seem to actually enjoy fighting about it.

"This penchant for squabbling about religious freedom is an age-old argument that humans just cannot seem to resolve. The annals of history are filled with infinite bloody tales of extreme woe and violence all in the name of God. Or whatever name you personally choose to call the Supreme One or in the event that there IS more than one: The Supremes. (Please. Stop! In the name of love!)

"The conservatives are to blame!

"But who is to blame for starting all these epic feuds and petty spats about religious freedom? A clear answer can be found in the history books. The conservatives in every crowd have typically started the fights. Oops…did I say, conservatives? What I meant to say was, the people who feel self-righteous and believe they are more enlightened than the rest of us. You know some folks like this, right? The people who are on a mission, motivated by a desire for power and control dripping with fear, to change everyone else’s way of thinking lest we all rot in the depths of Hell or some other heinous fiery place. The people who quiver with anger and throw poison darts when others refuse to succumb to their supposedly-more-enlightened-brainwashed-ridiculousness. Who are these religious freedom crusaders? Hmm…. On second thought, allow me to rewind. Who is to blame? Conservatives and ultra-conservatives.

"Of course, they haven’t always been called by THAT name. They’ve traveled through time under many names openly attacking anyone who thinks differently. But their reasons are always the same. Holy arguments all have similar roots and similar goals. Religious freedom has long been attacked. Spreading one’s own belief, winning back property, rescuing people and places that are polluted with profanity and avenging past attacks.

"The Universal Declaration of Human Rights is the key.

"In modern terms? Religious freedom is attacked when somebody thinks they know something bigger and better and then decides to force their ideas upon others. Instead of simply being open-minded and accepting that others simply think differently. Imagine how history could’ve been different?

"But, here’s the good news. Despite all the fear-based fussing and fighting and the need others may have for control and power, you cannot be persecuted for what you believe, no matter what. The United Nations says so in Article 18 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. So there. You have the right to be whatever religion you choose and to believe whatever you want. And nobody can tell you differently. Aaah… religious freedom.

"The absolute, ultimate sign that your religious freedom has been violated…

"You’re shocked and disappointed as you approach the pearly gates on the day you die to see all the Buddhists, Muslims, Tao’ists, Wiccans and Jews being greeted by Saint Peter as they pass on through into eternity…"


As we've noted on our Facebook page, there is a fine line between satire and Tea Party insanity, and sometimes there's a fine line between humor like this article and the absolute paradise we'd live in without Conservative Christians in our faces.

Is it time to criminalize Christianity? Hmmm...


“A Conservative is a fellow who is standing athwart history yelling ‘Stop!’.”

William F. Buckley, Jr.


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