Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Why Aren't Conservatives Funny?

Conservative humor appears to be an oxymoron ("oxymoron" isn't someone who sucks all the Conservative Sheeplets out of the air, but it should be --from our friends at Wikipedia:  "'oxymoron.' n. a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms. Oxymora appear in a variety of contexts, including inadvertent errors such as ground pilot and literary oxymorons crafted to reveal a paradox."

Fox News' ill-fated show, The 1/2 Hour News Hour, bombed -- and every attempt to inject humor into the Cause has been disasterous, as Dennis Miller and Victoria Jackson prove time and time again.

But the accusation that Conservatives aren't funny comes not only the mainstream media such as the New York Magazine (http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2012/04/why-arent-conservatives-as-funny-as-liberals.html), the Washington Monthly (http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/magazine/septemberoctober_2012/on_political_books/why_arent_conservatives_funny039432.php), Gawker (http://gawker.com/5460506/why-arent-conservatives-funny), and Mediaite (http://www.mediaite.com/online/why-conservative-comedy-doesnt-work-and-likely-never-will/), but from Conservatives themselves -- at the Washington Post (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/post/the-other-cpac-question--why-arent-conservatives-funny/2012/02/10/gIQA7DRj4Q_blog.html), and even the forum, Itsaboutliberty.com (http://itsaboutliberty.com/index.php?topic=5894.0) for example.

From Itsaboutliberty.com, the Sheeplets confess their humorlessness:

"But the big hole in their lives is that they cannot take a joke. If anyone makes fun of or ridicules them because of their political views (or damned near anything else) they 1) just don't get it and 2) get seriously offended that anyone would even attempt to have a laugh at their expense.

"Conservatives, on the other hand, have long gotten used to being made fun of. We are always on the receiving end of someone's attempts at humor. Usually it's quite vicious humor...insults and stuff like that. Conservatives have been absorbing this stuff for years and have developed 1) a thick skin and 2) a good attitude toward being ridiculed because we don't take ourselves too seriously."
George Bush and Condi Rice go fishing and find themselves on opposite sides of the lake. Condi yells over to George, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the lake?" George yells back, "You are on the other side of the lake."
From the article, "Why Aren’t Conservatives As Funny As Liberals?," by Noreen Malone at the New York Magazine," from the Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi:

"'It’s hard to be funny and make sure that people remain afraid,' offered Mandvi. 'I think a great deal of conservatism stems from a fear-based rationale about things. I’m speaking about, like, Fox News.' And yet, he says his favorite funny conservative is Glenn Beck. 'Sort of Andy Kaufman-esque, staying in character for all those years and committing to that absurd character.' Maybe, then, liberals have a more liberal definition of what's funny."
"Question--why should you always take two Republicans fishing with you?  If you take only one, he'll smoke all your pot, but if you take two, they won't smoke any."
The Washington Monthly's slant, "Why Aren't Conservatives Funny?," by Josh Greene:

“The nature of conservatism does not meet the conditions necessary for political satire to flourish: conservatism is harmonized and slow to criticize people in power, and it originates from a place that repudiates humor because it is absolute.”
Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter were riding in an elevator together. Suddenly Ann pressed the "stop" button, ripped off her clothes and said "Oh Rush! Make me feel like a woman!" Rush ripped off his clothes and said "Okay! Fold these!"
Gawker's article, with the same title as the Washington Monthly's story above, "Why Aren't Conservatives Funny?," explains it thus:

"But there is no good right-slanted Onion, or Daily Show or Bill Maher and no right-wing satirist who can nail liberals like Stephen Colbert nails conservatives. In 2007 Fox tried to launch a show to take on Comedy Central (despite Jon Stewart, in particular, sniping across political lines). The 1/2 Hour News Hour, marked by canned laughter, was described as "so heavy handed that it seems almost like self-parody," and was quickly cancelled."
"Hear about the problem with the new Bush Jr. stamp. Kept falling off envelopes. The Post Office investigated and found the picture of Bush was great -- for the quality of stamp printing his picture was amazingly lifelike. They tested the glue and it too was perfect. For some reason, people kept spitting on the wrong side."
Mediaite's take on the problem, from their piece, "Why Conservative Comedy Doesn’t Work And Likely Never Will," by Jon Bershad:

"Social Conservatism, by its very definition, is about keeping the power where it currently is. American Social Conservatives want Christianity to REMAIN the dominant religion. They want heterosexuals to REMAIN the only ones allowed to get married. This doesn’t work well with comedy at all because it’s all about hurting 'the little guy.' By that, I don’t mean that gay people are all rich, obviously, but by being a minority (especially one that has been horribly oppressed by the majority), that makes them the group without the power... there’s a reason that even the entertainment wing of Rupert Murdoch’s Newscorp (Fox Entertainment) produces some of the most left-leaning comedies on network television like the Seth MacFarlane shows. It’s because those are just the shows that work. Conservative comedies aren’t impossible but, as I hope I’ve helped demonstrate, they’re really, really, really, really hard."

Ex-Governor Bush Called Former President Clinton one afternoon.
'Hello, Bill? It's Dubya. Say, I've been meanin' ta ask ya sumthin'. How did you do so well with the ladies when you were president?'
'I'll tell ya, George. The trick is to dazzle them with charm and intelligent conversation.'
'Yeah, but what can I do?' asked Bush.
Clinton paused. 'Well, George, if all else fails, try puttin' a potato down your pants. That works every time.'
The next week, Bush called Clinton again.
'Bill? Dubya. Laura was in Crawford over the weekend and I got to go stag to the embassy ball. I tried the potato trick, but all the ladies kept their distance.'
'I know, I saw the ball on C-SPAN,' laughed Clinton. 'Next time, try puttin' the potato down the front of your pants.'
And from the Conservative Washington Post, their article, "The other CPAC question — why aren’t conservatives funny?," by Alexandra Petri:

“'Reality has a well-known liberal bias.' — Stephen Colbert at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner."

"Why aren't there more conservative humorists?

"The comic Brad Stine, performing at CPAC on Thursday, made note of something interesting. 'If there's a missing link' in the conservative movement, he said, 'it's the comedy factor.'

"Why is that?

"Hear that someone's a conservative comic or a Christian comic and you start twitching a little, involuntarily. You can't help yourself. It's like hearing that someone's an octogenarian tap-dancer. It seems less like a selling point than a handicap.

"In general, if a comic is selling himself/herself/itself as a member of a group and not a unique individual the product of whose bewildering and dazzling life is sufficient to engender comedy, it's because he isn't very good.

"But it might be more fundamental than that. In its essence, conservatism is the preference for the old and tried over the new and untried. It is the impulse to uphold time-honored values and institutions, not to run past scrawling funny mustaches on them.

"Humor that upholds the social order can only be so humorous. The funniest conservative? Aristophanes, hands down. Sure, that was a couple thousand years ago. But through all of his works runs an undercurrent of deep dissatisfaction with the encroaching new ways. Still, for the big laughs, he had to depend on fart jokes."
"A liberal says "My glass is half full." A conservative says, 'Who drank half my water?'"
Given the chance to make fun of Conservatives or cry ourselves to sleep every night, we've chosen the former, and there's no telling what the Conservative Sheeplets do at night that wouldn't turn our stomachs...but in the interest of combining entertainment with education we present a few nuggets that we found in just a few minutes -- by Libruls for their friends, the Sheeplets:


“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “A communist-fascist dictator.” “That’s impossible — communism and fascism are at opposite ends of the philosophical spectrum.” “You’re supposed to say ‘a communist-fascist dictator who.’” “Fine. A communist-fascist dictator who?” “Oh, never mind. You’ve ruined the joke. I’ll go next door to the tea party patriot’s house.”

What do Fox News and pâté have in common? They’re both popular with crackers.
Mankind finally destroys the planet, and Sarah Palin, John Yarmuth and Barack Obama all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. When Palin steps forward, St. Peter says, “I’m sorry, ma’am. This will probably come as a shock to you: No Christians are allowed in heaven.” Yarmuth steps forward and says, “What about me? I’m not a Christian.” St. Peter says, “Sorry, sir, no Americans are allowed either. The Lord has ruled that absolutely no Christians and no Americans are allowed into the kingdom of heaven.” And Barack Obama goes, “SWEET!”
Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world — and all the fastest people in the world.
Why do Republican tax cuts always expire in ten years or less? They want to make them thirty but keep running out of fingers.
Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast? They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.


Why didn't Republicans save any of the black New Orleans residents from the flooding of Hurricane Katrina? They were busy trying to get two of each animal for their ark first and couldn't catch that damned roadrunner.


Why do Republicans never turn their most prestigious literature into a movie? They wanted Waldo to play himself, but they just can't find him.
Why did Ronald Reagan typify the ideal candidate in the 2008 Republican presidential primary? Because he's dead.
"The world's smallest gathering is a Republican collecting his thoughts."


A group of sociologists did a poll in Arizona regarding the state’s new immigration law. Sixty percent said they were in favor, and 40 percent said, ‘No hablo Ingles.’

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
And just a few about Michelle Bachmann, as we see why she will be sorely missed by one and all:

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann says she will launch her presidential campaign in either Massachusetts or New Hampshire as soon as she figures out which is which. There could be some eligibility problems for her. She has her birth certificate, but nobody can produce her high school diploma." —Jay Leno

"Michele Bachmann threw her hat into the ring. We think she's going to be running for president. For those who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?" —Bill Maher

"The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann." –Bill Maher

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

"Rep. Michele Bachmann created controversy when she said in a speech that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more. Apparently she spent her high school history class looking off to the right of the blackboard." –Seth Meyers

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno

"There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take." –Bill Maher

"You saw the big controversy with Michele Bachmann. She did not look directly into the camera, which made it harder for the teabaggers to masturbate." –Bill Maher

"She didn't look into the camera. She said America was created by a miracle, and secret armies of IRS agents are trying to take away your light bulbs. And then Sarah Palin tweeted, 'Game on, bitch." –Bill Maher

"Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for illegal immigrants the whole time." –Jimmy Kimmel


''Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15.'' —Conan O'Brien


''President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book.'' —Jimmy Fallon


"After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I'm sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians." —Tina Fey


Their lack of any semblance of humor isn't the reason why Conservatism should be criminalized, but any attempt at joke-making by Conservative Sheeplets should be defined as a felony in any State in the country.


"The king died and then the queen died is a story. The king died, and then queen
died of grief is a plot."

E. M. Forster