Friday, December 28, 2012

Conservatives: No Sense of Humor?

Facebook poster Andrew Rei posted some hilarious definitions to our Facebook site yesterday. As both of us had once been suspended for a fortnight for violating Facebook's "Don't Post Stuff On Right-Wing Pages That would Make Them Whine Policy," we agreed to share the laughs only with those possessing a sense of humor, which precludes Conservatives even reading this page. (Note the number of failed attempts at humor over at Fox News, to the chagrin of those like Dennis Miller, who was under the misapprehension that he was funny.)

As anything of a humorous bent online outnumbers conservative postings in a ratio of around 1,000 to one, when searching for jokes about Republicans the numbers of them were staggering, so we limited our search only to Chris Christie, and came up with these gems at

"I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?" –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile." –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That's right, unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he's not sure if he's going to run for re-election next year. He's said, 'I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can't worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That's like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass." –Bill Maher

"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip." –Jimmy Fallon

“Bad news for the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. While celebrating Easter they rushed him to the hospital with an impacted peep.” –David Letterman

“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” –David Letterman

“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He's going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn't a steak." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie." –Jay Leno

"Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon

"And Chris Christie isn't running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell 'potato.'" –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire?" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie would have been the first American President visible from space. The Marine Band would have played 'Hail to the Chef.' If he'd run, the Republicans would have had to choose between him and Rick Perry. One's morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse." –David Letterman

"People said it's not fair to joke about Chris Christie being fat when they wouldn't make the same kinds of jokes if he were gay. But it's a whole different thing. For one thing, if he were gay, he wouldn't be fat. I'd love to have him in the Oval Office. He'd fit right in." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his laptop. In his lap." –David Letterman

"Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa." –David Letterman

"Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman

"Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized yesterday, he had trouble breathing. He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza." –Bill Maher

"He was in the supermarket, and he felt a tightness in his chest, and then he realized he got stuck in the dairy case. He's OK. The hospital today upgraded his condition to gigantic. The doctors say he was already up and about, and taking helicopters to travel 20 feet." –Bill Maher

"But the doctors said to Governor Christie 'you have got to stop eating ice cream out of big five gallon tubs' and he said 'why?' And the doctor said ‘so I can examine you.'" –Bill Maher

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

In previous posts we've shown scientifically how the conservatives are hard-wired for stupidity, viciousness, and "Kick-down, kiss-up" robotic authoritarianism, but note the lack of studies showing their lack of humor when compared with non-Conservatives. Although researchers have studiously broken scientific ground in exposing Conservatives' foibles, we suspect their hesitancy to be cowardly in nature, as we already know that one can accuse anyone if anything without fear, except to accuse them of bad driving or a lack of a sense of humor.

So in the spirit of Mr. Reis's offering, and with the sure knowledge that even a serious site like ours must indulge in a modicum of humor to maintain our mental health (see Conservatives, Humor, Lack Of, above) we submit a few more yuks. The sound of fingernails scraping on dried pine that you may hear is merely the noise made when Conservatives scratching their heads - some conservative near you is reading this post too.

We leave it to the professional researchers to explore the reasons for, and the depths of, Conservatives' lack of a funny bone, but would surmise that the ratio of Conservative stand-up comedians to liberal ones is probably 100 to one - or more...and when we consider that the "humor" emanating from the likes of Victoria Jackson, Drew Carey, and the aforementioned, hapless, Fox Newsboy Dennis Miller are the among the best-known of them, the mind reels.

And now from Mr. Rei:

I'll be editing this note as new definitions come along....
GOP To English

Abraham Lincoln- first GOP President, elected as country's chief executive just six years after the party's founding. Conservative icon [even though he was a Liberal].

Blue Dog Democrat- A Republican in Democratic clothing.

Communist: a Liberal or Progressive

Conservatism- a political philosophy where change should only benefit rich people.

Democratic Party- the political party Conservatives used to populate [GOP started out as Liberals in 1854 but Conservatives drove them out by 1872]

Emergency Spending- any spending needed to fund fast-arising needs, like wars, but not for any other reason

Enemy Combatant- any person who takes up arms against GOP/Conservative ideals.

Entitlement Program- any earned benefits program, such as Social Security and Medicare, where people paid taxes to get benefits later.

Entitlement Reform- making Draconian cuts to Entitlement Programs in an effort to eventually eliminate them.

Environmental Protection Agency (EPA)- a government agency created to hamper big corporations' pursuit of profit via “environmental safeguards”. [It was founded in 1973 by that “radical Liberal” Republican Richard Nixon]

47%: percent of the American populace who are freeloaders and feel "entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it." (Mitt Romney) Also Mitt Romney's share of the popular vote during the 2012 presidential elections. (

Fox “News”- propaganda arm of the Republican Party.

Frank Luntz- the GOP's version of Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels.

Freedom- a philosophy that allows Republicans to do whatever they want and is not conferred upon anyone else.

Free Market Economy- an economy where big corporations are allowed huge tax breaks and subsidies and the executives of those companies are allowed to make any decision to maximize the profits and drive up the value of the company at the expense of its workers [Also known as “Vampire Capitalism”]

George W. Bush- who's that? [GOP timeline skips from January 2001 to Jan. 2009]

Grand Old Party- what GOP is supposed to mean [GOP actually means, “Greedy Old Perverts”, “Greed Oppression Piety”, “Greedy Old Patricians”, etc.]

Gun Control- Liberals' illegal campaign to take away everybody's guns.

Grover Norquist- Conservative lobbyist. A true American hero. Author of the Norquist Pledge [which fits the definition of actual treason, not the GOP definition].

IOKIYAR- stands for “It's OK If You're A Republican” [which the GOP uses to justify their 8 cornerstones: bigotry, hypocrisy, elitism, fascism, greed, corruption, incompetence and arrogance]

“Job Creators”- the wealthy and big corporations [The true Welfare Queens and the true beneficiaries of the actual Entitlement Program/Ponzi Scheme, tax incentives and subsidies for them specifically]

Liberals- a group of people within the Democratic Party that are against all American ideals...also called “Treehuggers”, “Communists”, “Marxists” and “Socialists”

Marxist: see communist

Moderates- see “Useful Idiots” entry

Norquist Pledge- a pledge signed by nearly every Republican politician with the intent of never raising taxes, especially on the job creators

Polls: something used by strippers and cross-country skiers (Sarah Palin)

Second Amendment- A Constitutional amendment allowing the unfettered access to weapons for all Republican-Americans

Small Business- any business with fewer than 50 employees, regardless of income.

Socialism- a type of government that goes completely against GOP/Conservative principles; practiced by Liberals (Socialists, Marxists, Communists)

Spending- any outlay of the government that isn't a tax cut/incentive/subsidy for the job creators or given to the defense budget and military.

Starve the Beast- a program to systematically reduce taxes on the rich and big corporations to reduce the size of government, therefore allowing those two groups of “people” to eventually take over stewardship of it.

Taxes- the government's illegal program to redistribute wealth downward.

Tax “Breaks”, “Incentives” and “Subsidies”- a program designed to help the wealthy and big corporations accumulate more wealth [redistribute wealth upward].

Tax Reform- ensuring that the Job Creators pay less or as much in taxes as they do now.

Tea Party- a faction of the GOP that the Conservatives use to distract attention to what they (the Conservatives) are doing. Also see “Useful Idiots” entry

The Constitution- a document written long ago that justifies all actions and philosophies of the Republican Party.

Treason- any action done that goes against the principles and values of the GOP.

Union Thugs: Teachers, cops, firefighters, and other public-sector workers who don't "produce" anything.

Useful Idiots- anyone who votes for or supports the GOP that don't fall into one of the following three groups of “people”, the “people” the GOP actually represent: fetuses, angry rich old white men and big corporations [GOP Tea Party, moderates, women, African-Americans, Asian-Americans and Gay/Lesbians are useful idiots].

Witch Hunt: questioning the GOP's policy stances after yet another negative situation, such as a mass murder in the US involving military-grade weaponry.

And from (

''Maybe Sarah Palin would be smarter if she had bigger hands.'' —Jimmy Kimmel, on Sarah Palin's hand notes

''As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, 'What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.''' —Jon Stewart

''If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don't know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul's new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing.'' —Bill Maher

''I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man.''' —Bill Maher
''I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?'' —David Letterman
''It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.'' —David Letterman

''Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'''—Conan O'Brien

Placing jokes from this site on Conservative sheeplet Facebook blogs got this poster suspended by Facebook for two weeks, so we must urge some discretion.  But for others, it may be worth it...

Brain: We must prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to criminalize Conservatism!
Chorus: They're Pinky, They're Pinky and the Brain Brain Brain Brain Brain!


"When his library burned down, it destroyed both books. Dole hadn't finished coloring
in the second"

Jack Kemp on Bob Dole before he became Dole's running mate in the 1996

presidential election race.